Some Things I'm Afraid To Tell You

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So about two weeks ago I shared on my page this post from one of my favorite blog writers, I was so amazed at how honest she was and how brave someone has to be to expose themselves so whole heartily. After I shared that post my sister and another amazing writer and one of my favorites wrote this post. After I read her post and saw how brave and truly amazing my sister was I worked on writing this one for me. Its been sitting here in my drafts for a week or so, and I was looking at it and decided today would be the perfect day to publish it.

I believe I am very honest in this here blog. I say for the most part how I feel and what my view on things are... do I have somethings that I keep to myself of course, but I never try to sugar coat anything or sit here in judgement of others or at least I try not to be. When I sit at my computer to write a blog post I am genuinely here writing from the heart and I am the first one to say I don't have all the answers and I am not this perfect mom sitting at home with my perfect kids and perfect life because by no means is that true! I hope my readers read my blogs and take what they can from them and if it helps someone else in anyway even if it just made them laugh I am happy! So with that said here we go:

1. I want to have another child. I feel that is something that needs to be said because when I have said in the past many have looked at me like I am crazy! But I honestly do what to have another child. I would like to have a son, I feel like my family is complete but I do want a son. I feel like we could do it and be OK!
2. I have panic attacks! Not sure if that is a surprise those that know me well already know that, but I do, I small ones most of the times but sometimes I have some that make me feel like the walls are caving in and that my tongue is way to big for my mouth (do I sound crazy now LOL) most of the time  I will call my husband  and him telling me to breath in and out soothes me. The last time I had one was last week when my daughter went alone to her first field trip. Knowing that neither I or her father would be with her freaked my out so much that I almost could not make it to work.
3. I am extremely jealous of the relationship my husband has with my girls! I know that sounds crazy but its true! They light up when he comes into the room. That doesn't happen with me! I know they love me but those three have a bond that is on another level. Though I love that they are so close I feel like I am the mom and they should love me like that!
4.  You know that moment every mom talks about when they give birth that the moment they saw their child they fell in love and became a mother! Well I really didn't have that moment. I mean I felt amazed, I knew at that moment life would be different and yes I did feel that at that moment I became a mother but the whole love part didn't happen as I was told it would. I did have love for my children but I believe that love that is experienced by some it came with time with me, I got to know my kids and it grow from there! Does that make any sense. I mean I had this overwhelming feeling when they were born and I was in awe of them but the whole falling in love part came after.
5.  I am capable of so much more! The fact that I know this is the reason that when I doubt myself I get angry. I doubt myself in everything I do... fear is the reason I have not done all that I have ever wanted to do! Though I have a bit of a tough exterior I am so insecure about every aspect of my life that its amazing I have done what I have done!

I hope that this will give you more of an insight into my crazy mind!