Saturday, January 30, 2016

Believe in Myself





So I did something outside my comfort zone and shared my writing. I shared it with two people I am close to and then I shared it with two people on my face book page that I know from High School and I value their opinion but they are not in my every day and I needed a unbiased opinion. Guess what for the most part I got very good opinions they were all very honest which is exactly what I wanted. I heard everything and I am working on my next step. I am not quite sure what my next step is, I am going to continue to work on my writing and not be so hard of myself.

I noticed that if I just take the pressure off myself. Get back to what I loved about writing about creating, it actually flows better than if I sit and try to get it done. Not sure if that makes sense. My mind is in constant motion, I am thinking about work, the house, the kids, bills, things I need done making up lists in my head of things I need done, and it is very hard to fit writing into all that but I am trying.
I have noticed that my actual fear is me. I don't believe in myself. I am not very happy to admit that but its true. I am my biggest critic and my worst enemy. Maybe that is true for everyone. Sometimes people think I am fishing for compliments or that I am being humble when I am surprised that someone gives me a compliment no matter what it is for. I do at times show myself as a very confident person but I really am not. Wow I can't believe I am saying all of this. I do lack a hell of a lot of self confidence, its been this way for as long as I can remember. As the years have gone by and I have become, a wife a mother, I guess become older and wiser, I have learned to accept myself for the kick ass chick that I am!!!  At 36 years old. I can honestly say that I am beautiful, I am strong, I am smart, and I will toot toot my own horn!!!

I AM BEAUTIFUL


Before I would question the hell out that statement, but hell yeah I am!!! I am happy with who I have become. I am grateful for what I have and I am confident in my abilities. Now that being said I still need self assurance in a lot of areas. I guess I will always be that way and I know many of us need that too. I have to remind myself on a daily basis to believe in myself. This is a daily mantra I tell myself in the morning, during the day, when ever I feel myself slipping. I repeat it over  and over again.  Cause really it doesn't matter what others say, if I am not my number one cheerleader, I will not achieve what I want to do, I still a work in progress. Being your number one spokesperson is always important, that being said it feels so good when you have someone in your corner telling that you can do it. Believing in you when you don't believe in yourself.

This morning in a rare moment, my dude and I were in the living room before he went to work just talking and hanging out, while the kids were still asleep, just talking about everyday things. I started talking to him about the feedback I got about my writing. He turned to me and asked me something I never really asked myself, he asked "what you want out of your writing?" I never really thought about it, I mean yes I dream, I want to write I wanna see my name on the cover of a book that I wrote, but what do I want out of it, do I want it to be my life make a living out of it, do I want to do it for fun. I never really thought about it I just at this point want to have time to create, time to focus. So I just looked at him. Again he asked me what do you want out of your writing. He went on to say, "if you dream pennies, you gonna get pennies, now if you dream dollas, you gonna get dollas" Now I know that is from a movie I think he said it was from the movie Ray but that is besides the point. It made me think and so I turned to my husband and said I wanna see my name on the cover of a book, I wanna see my book on Amazon that I can download it on my Kindle.  So my husband being my husband he says in classic dude fashion "Then that's what the fuck you will do"

Then that's what the fuck you will do!!!!

Only god knows why I love that man!!! And I do. He is my number one supporter when I don't believe in me, he is there. We been together over 20 years and he is always the voice in my head telling me to go for it, to just do it, he doesn't care if I succeed or fail he has my back. So today at 6:30 in the morning in a non distinct house in Florida, I got a push, and I think this time it finally stuck. If I want to be a writer guess what people....

THAT'S WHAT THE FUCK I AM GONNA DO!!!!

And not just cause my dude said so because this morning, looking at my home, sitting talking and having a real conversation of what I want out of my writing, I started to believe in myself! Shit... this is freaking crazy... to be continued I guess... Like all the books I read I am just gonna have to wait till the next one to see how it ends... don't turn the page to quickly cause I want to enjoy the journey!




Saturday, January 16, 2016

Wow it's been a while... but I have set a goal.




Wow, I haven't been in this space in so long. I feel like a stranger in my own little world I created. I feel like an intruder, as if I don't belong.  It is a weird feeling to have created something that you felt so strongly about and not even really know where to begin. This was my space, my place in the world where I was solely Zulay. Yes, I am a mom, a wife, a worker, a lover, a friend, so many titles but here I was Zulay. I wrote about mommy stuff and marriage stuff and goofy stuff cause that is who I am but somewhere along the way I lost my way. I mean of course I kept existing I am still all those things I mentioned earlier but I was missing something. I have always felt it but I guess like I had more "important" things to take care of I just ignored that feeling inside and basically did what I always did I kept it moving.

Almost three years ago as many of you know I moved with my terror squad in tow to Florida. Though I was very reluctant about that decision, we moved and it was the best decision for our family but for a long time not until recently did I actually come to terms with this decision. I am still not fully adjusted to Florida, I mean I am Bronx girl born and bred but I like my warm weather now and not having to wear socks... LOL 

A lot has happened to my little tribe this year and I can go on forever with updates, but with all that was happening I found myself more and more like I was drifting away. Don't get me wrong, I have made amazing friends, connections that I hope will continue forever, my relationship with my dude is the best it has ever been and my children are thriving but I was just rolling with it.(Like most of us moms do)  I am happy. Wow I can  actually say that without sounding like it's bull shit. I really am happy. Yes can somethings get better, of course. I mean, I still don't drive, and I still can't apply make up without the assistance of a you tube video but hey.

Are there things I would like to change most definitely and that is the reason I am writing this today. There has been a time or two where I have been told that I am a good writer, and from time to time when no one is looking I sit and write. Those times have been far and few between and that I feel like I am making a disservice to myself. I need to create, I feel like I must create. It's my outlet. I feel so much better when I do, and since moving and with all the changes that is one of the things that I have let fall thru the cracks. I need it to be me. So I have set  goal.

Even if my writing or what I create what ever that may be doesn't go any farther than my laptop. I will find time to create and have an outlet for me to be me. I mean if I can find the time to read which I love to do, if I can find time to do all the other things I find important to me, than I can find time for me.  I started a course today my sister emailed me its 10 days of lessons and kind of like couching the first day lesson was "I don't write because I literally don't have the time", it basically gave you two methods to focus your energy, method one, become completely disciplined only do the things that feed your goal, treat it like an athlete training for there said sport. 

The second method the one I think will work best for me is set a reasonable goal. I want to write a book some day. That doesn't mean that I will write it today. But if I set small goals for myself like this right here getting back on my blog, just creating in this space, taking the time out my day while my kids are eating breakfast and being their crazy selves 5 feet away, I am here in MY SPACE, MY LITTLE WORLD THAT I AM JUST ZULAY.

I can keep rambling away but I got to go be a mom now. I am gonna try to set attainable reasonable goals for myself, be it me writing, me creating, me dealing with my anxiety and fears so I can learn to drive.  I know as moms we put in our heads that we just don't have the time and really we don't there is really not enough time in the day to do everything that you have to do. There is always something that throws your "schedule" out the window, but I like to read, I mean I love to read, and I find time to do that so I guess I can find time to do the things that make me, well me. Not gonna sit here and make this a lecture about how you have to make time for yourself, cause I hated when I heard that, finding time becomes a task in itself. Like I have always mentioned in my blogs I am by far not an expert. I most of the time have no clue what I am doing and wing it. But for me, I have come to terms that for me to have a mental balance, to feel like me, I have to create, I have to write, I have to find the time, even if it's just sharing my every day stories here in this space. So that's my goal, I will start with this space right here, and work from there!

I hope you guys will welcome me back! I surely did miss this!!!



Monday, September 23, 2013

Old dogs new tricks!!!



That's me! The momma of the "terror squad" and I have a confession to make, new things terrify me! I am a creature of habit and I don't take well to change... how can she have three kids then... hey I didn't actually say I knew what I was doing... I just try my best and hope to hell I keep them alive LOL (JOKE PEOPLE!!!!) But seriously I do fear change a lot and a lot of things scare me. Though for the most part I can push my fear aside and do what I have to do... there has been one thing in my life that I have not been able to conquer!!!

DRIVING!!!!
Living in New York I really didn't have to learn to drive, I mean it was not a necessity, everywhere I need to go I just got on a train or bus and did the damn thing!!! That was one of the great things about living in the city everything was just a train ride away!!! Which was fine with me because I have a fear of driving. I just never saw the need in it!

Fast forward to us moving, now I am 33 years old with a learner's permit that I have done nothing with and now I need to learn to drive or wait for an hour or more on a bus that will take almost two hours to get to my destination!!! UMM... no thank you!!! So I put on my big girl panties and I had the hubby start teaching me to drive and guess what I learned about myself!!! This old dog can learn new tricks!!!

I DROVE ALL THE WAY TO MOTHERFUCKING WALMART PEOPLE!!!!

I still need some more lessons and my marriage has not been broken from my husband teaching me and I got over my fear. I still  have a little bit of fear but I think that is now what is driving me. I have let this fear hold me back for far to long! Now I know this sounds cliche and all that jazz but as I drove to Walmart and parked the car I had a deeper sense of freedom and independence! It is going to be awesome to not have to wait for someone to take me anywhere, if I want to go I can go... and here where trains and buses are far and few between this is a necessity that is necessary!!! I got an adrenaline rush as for the first time in a long time I got over one of my many fears!!!  A few more lessons and then I will attempt to take my driving test!! I feel like I am 16, (is that when normal people take their driving test???) Anyway its never too late to try something new and step out of your comfort zone. 

Moving out of state for the first time and being somewhere completely new to me has made me face many of my fears, insecurities and comfort zones. I have been forced to step out of my box that I had spent many of years perfecting! And guess what I found out??? It's so much fun to try new things so what if you fail, you learn something new no matter what! Maybe I am slow in learning this lesson but hey... this time of my life I am exploring and learning so many new things about myself that if we had not moved maybe I would not have learned because this move forced so many things on me! It's scary, its fun, it's overwhelming, it's all these emotions all in one and I wouldn't change it for the world! I feel like moving has given me a reason, to try new things, get out there and meet new people and rediscover myself and in the process I am learning new things about myself or things that were there but really didn't rise up to the surface!

This post is so much more than just me learning to drive, but just getting behind the wheel and actually doing it is so big for me! It symbolizes so much more! I feel like I can try new things with out fear and just open my mind to what can possible go right instead of    dwelling on all that can go wrong! So watch out for me on the big open highways!!! LOL I may just chill in the slow lane for a while but I will get there soon enough!