Wednesday, November 23, 2016

My Hustle is not that hard...

Let me explain the title of this blog. I am sitting here on my day off before I tackle the chores on Thanksgiving break and I realize. I kind of have left my personal hustle go... to the point of extinction. For my family I hustle the hardest. I get shit done when it comes to my home my kids and my husband. But for me. My hustle has laid dormant. I have written about this before, but this past year I have witness my self hustle go away in a big way.... I no longer hustle hard for myself and I just really don't know how to get my self hustle back


I have no idea where it went. When we moved to Florida three years ago, I was so busy setting my family up I got a job right away, I got the kids enrolled in school, we started saving money we bought a house, we started setting that up, when my son developed a speech delay I worked so hard to get him the help he needs and we still struggle with his care and all that he needs I kind of forgot about me. My anxieties and worries were amplified and I just gave up on myself. There are so many things I want to accomplish with my writing, with getting over all my insecurities that cause my anxiety that I just cant seem to wrap my brain around it. We as moms tend to do that give all to our families we forget about ourselves. We forget that we are people too, not just mom, not just wife. I am Zulay. I have to remember that. Its really hard for me to separate myself. I have build this nice little bubble for myself and I can't seem to get out of it. I have become way too comfortable, I am not even sure if that is the exact word for what I am feeling.

For all purposes I have a good life and believe me I am not complaining but as a person, as a woman, as someone who knows who she is I am lacking in that department. I can be confident, and funny and all that but I still feel like I have so many hurdles head of me. Do you know I want to one day finish my book and actually click publish. I think I have voiced that so many times. I have even shared my work with others and received positive feed back. What is standing in my way, well simply put, me. I am my biggest doubter, to the point my anxiety started acting up and I got the biggest case of writers block I have ever had. This right here is the most words I have typed in weeks!!!!! And I still as I am writing this doubt that it makes any sense I mean at least will it make sense to you when you read it. Will I even share this. Ugh you see I am doing it again. Its a vicious cycle.

If only I can put the same effort I put into my home life to my personal self I would be unstoppable. I am not sure where I lost my inner hustle and I am not gonna sit here and tell you this is a declaration that once I close this blog post out I will get off my sofa and declare myself a badass!!! Um no... I think my inner hustle is gonna take more than words on this blog to get back. I have a lot of things to get over. I am gonna be 37 in like two weeks. I know the woman I want to be and in a lot of aspects I am but I still have so many things I need to do to get over my own personal things. My anxiety works against me a lot and it wasn't tell just recently that I had to admit to myself that I have a problem with anxiety. I am starting to take steps to help with that. I think that is a major hurdle in getting my hustle back.

I have to remember its ok to put me first. Actually its a necessity. I have kind of forgotten for a long time to take care of me. I put all the things I wanted to do on the sidelines, I blamed family priorities and all that goes into being a wife and mother, I used the famous line " I just don't have the time" I really don't have much time for myself, but I think its cause I don't make the time for myself. I think maybe if I change things up I can make some time to work on me. I have to at this point. I am so much danger in totally forgetting who I am!!! I think my problems are not unique to me. I think many moms feel this way. As I sit here and type this I remember there are dishes in the sink, lunch to be made, beds to be dressed and I can't help but feel guilty that I took the time to write on my blog, something that a few years ago gave me so much joy. I felt alive when I would get comments on my blog and on my Face book page.

I am gonna end this now cause I am really hungry. So lunch doesn't sound like a bad idea! But I am making a promise to myself today. I am gonna really hustle hard for myself. I am way over due. I am gonna continue to work on my anxiety and I think its time I actually and speak to a professional I have been let it cripple me for way to long and trying to fight it on my own I think I have done all I can do! But if you are just a mom who is just realizing that maybe you too forget about yourself. Remember this you are more than a mom, you are you, and you will never stop being you, and you are in there somewhere. Remind yourself from time to time and its OK to take time for yourself I know the struggle with that is so real. Believe me I know and like I have said numerous times in this blog. I am not a professional, I can only write my experience. So here I sit telling the blog sphere that I am not perfect so far from it. I am a mom who lost her way in her own journey. I have carried my family and always fought for them but I forget along the way to fight for myself. So I begin my journey today. I can't say that change will be instant. I may fall along the way. But I have to try. I have to learn to be me again. I have to be Zulay. I mean if I do say so she ain't half bad.. LOL
So this blog has gone way too long and my kids are looking at me like I got two heads cause they hungry, so I leave you with this, I doubt myself way too much, I question every decision I make when it comes to me, and I live in fear of forgetting what makes me, me but for the first time in a long time I see the light at the end of the tunnel. So I am gonna go reintroduce myself to myself. Thank you for reading...I hope I don't sound like a Kanye rant (too soon sorry Kanye fans, I am one too!!!)

Saturday, January 30, 2016

Believe in Myself

So I did something outside my comfort zone and shared my writing. I shared it with two people I am close to and then I shared it with two people on my face book page that I know from High School and I value their opinion but they are not in my every day and I needed a unbiased opinion. Guess what for the most part I got very good opinions they were all very honest which is exactly what I wanted. I heard everything and I am working on my next step. I am not quite sure what my next step is, I am going to continue to work on my writing and not be so hard of myself.

I noticed that if I just take the pressure off myself. Get back to what I loved about writing about creating, it actually flows better than if I sit and try to get it done. Not sure if that makes sense. My mind is in constant motion, I am thinking about work, the house, the kids, bills, things I need done making up lists in my head of things I need done, and it is very hard to fit writing into all that but I am trying.
I have noticed that my actual fear is me. I don't believe in myself. I am not very happy to admit that but its true. I am my biggest critic and my worst enemy. Maybe that is true for everyone. Sometimes people think I am fishing for compliments or that I am being humble when I am surprised that someone gives me a compliment no matter what it is for. I do at times show myself as a very confident person but I really am not. Wow I can't believe I am saying all of this. I do lack a hell of a lot of self confidence, its been this way for as long as I can remember. As the years have gone by and I have become, a wife a mother, I guess become older and wiser, I have learned to accept myself for the kick ass chick that I am!!!  At 36 years old. I can honestly say that I am beautiful, I am strong, I am smart, and I will toot toot my own horn!!!


Before I would question the hell out that statement, but hell yeah I am!!! I am happy with who I have become. I am grateful for what I have and I am confident in my abilities. Now that being said I still need self assurance in a lot of areas. I guess I will always be that way and I know many of us need that too. I have to remind myself on a daily basis to believe in myself. This is a daily mantra I tell myself in the morning, during the day, when ever I feel myself slipping. I repeat it over  and over again.  Cause really it doesn't matter what others say, if I am not my number one cheerleader, I will not achieve what I want to do, I still a work in progress. Being your number one spokesperson is always important, that being said it feels so good when you have someone in your corner telling that you can do it. Believing in you when you don't believe in yourself.

This morning in a rare moment, my dude and I were in the living room before he went to work just talking and hanging out, while the kids were still asleep, just talking about everyday things. I started talking to him about the feedback I got about my writing. He turned to me and asked me something I never really asked myself, he asked "what you want out of your writing?" I never really thought about it, I mean yes I dream, I want to write I wanna see my name on the cover of a book that I wrote, but what do I want out of it, do I want it to be my life make a living out of it, do I want to do it for fun. I never really thought about it I just at this point want to have time to create, time to focus. So I just looked at him. Again he asked me what do you want out of your writing. He went on to say, "if you dream pennies, you gonna get pennies, now if you dream dollas, you gonna get dollas" Now I know that is from a movie I think he said it was from the movie Ray but that is besides the point. It made me think and so I turned to my husband and said I wanna see my name on the cover of a book, I wanna see my book on Amazon that I can download it on my Kindle.  So my husband being my husband he says in classic dude fashion "Then that's what the fuck you will do"

Then that's what the fuck you will do!!!!

Only god knows why I love that man!!! And I do. He is my number one supporter when I don't believe in me, he is there. We been together over 20 years and he is always the voice in my head telling me to go for it, to just do it, he doesn't care if I succeed or fail he has my back. So today at 6:30 in the morning in a non distinct house in Florida, I got a push, and I think this time it finally stuck. If I want to be a writer guess what people....


And not just cause my dude said so because this morning, looking at my home, sitting talking and having a real conversation of what I want out of my writing, I started to believe in myself! Shit... this is freaking crazy... to be continued I guess... Like all the books I read I am just gonna have to wait till the next one to see how it ends... don't turn the page to quickly cause I want to enjoy the journey!

Saturday, January 16, 2016

Wow it's been a while... but I have set a goal.

Wow, I haven't been in this space in so long. I feel like a stranger in my own little world I created. I feel like an intruder, as if I don't belong.  It is a weird feeling to have created something that you felt so strongly about and not even really know where to begin. This was my space, my place in the world where I was solely Zulay. Yes, I am a mom, a wife, a worker, a lover, a friend, so many titles but here I was Zulay. I wrote about mommy stuff and marriage stuff and goofy stuff cause that is who I am but somewhere along the way I lost my way. I mean of course I kept existing I am still all those things I mentioned earlier but I was missing something. I have always felt it but I guess like I had more "important" things to take care of I just ignored that feeling inside and basically did what I always did I kept it moving.

Almost three years ago as many of you know I moved with my terror squad in tow to Florida. Though I was very reluctant about that decision, we moved and it was the best decision for our family but for a long time not until recently did I actually come to terms with this decision. I am still not fully adjusted to Florida, I mean I am Bronx girl born and bred but I like my warm weather now and not having to wear socks... LOL 

A lot has happened to my little tribe this year and I can go on forever with updates, but with all that was happening I found myself more and more like I was drifting away. Don't get me wrong, I have made amazing friends, connections that I hope will continue forever, my relationship with my dude is the best it has ever been and my children are thriving but I was just rolling with it.(Like most of us moms do)  I am happy. Wow I can  actually say that without sounding like it's bull shit. I really am happy. Yes can somethings get better, of course. I mean, I still don't drive, and I still can't apply make up without the assistance of a you tube video but hey.

Are there things I would like to change most definitely and that is the reason I am writing this today. There has been a time or two where I have been told that I am a good writer, and from time to time when no one is looking I sit and write. Those times have been far and few between and that I feel like I am making a disservice to myself. I need to create, I feel like I must create. It's my outlet. I feel so much better when I do, and since moving and with all the changes that is one of the things that I have let fall thru the cracks. I need it to be me. So I have set  goal.

Even if my writing or what I create what ever that may be doesn't go any farther than my laptop. I will find time to create and have an outlet for me to be me. I mean if I can find the time to read which I love to do, if I can find time to do all the other things I find important to me, than I can find time for me.  I started a course today my sister emailed me its 10 days of lessons and kind of like couching the first day lesson was "I don't write because I literally don't have the time", it basically gave you two methods to focus your energy, method one, become completely disciplined only do the things that feed your goal, treat it like an athlete training for there said sport. 

The second method the one I think will work best for me is set a reasonable goal. I want to write a book some day. That doesn't mean that I will write it today. But if I set small goals for myself like this right here getting back on my blog, just creating in this space, taking the time out my day while my kids are eating breakfast and being their crazy selves 5 feet away, I am here in MY SPACE, MY LITTLE WORLD THAT I AM JUST ZULAY.

I can keep rambling away but I got to go be a mom now. I am gonna try to set attainable reasonable goals for myself, be it me writing, me creating, me dealing with my anxiety and fears so I can learn to drive.  I know as moms we put in our heads that we just don't have the time and really we don't there is really not enough time in the day to do everything that you have to do. There is always something that throws your "schedule" out the window, but I like to read, I mean I love to read, and I find time to do that so I guess I can find time to do the things that make me, well me. Not gonna sit here and make this a lecture about how you have to make time for yourself, cause I hated when I heard that, finding time becomes a task in itself. Like I have always mentioned in my blogs I am by far not an expert. I most of the time have no clue what I am doing and wing it. But for me, I have come to terms that for me to have a mental balance, to feel like me, I have to create, I have to write, I have to find the time, even if it's just sharing my every day stories here in this space. So that's my goal, I will start with this space right here, and work from there!

I hope you guys will welcome me back! I surely did miss this!!!