Just a bit disappointed in Myself!

About a year ago I decided I needed a change. Though I do enjoy my job, the company I work for is very small and really there is no real growth here. I looked at all my options and decided though I do really want to go to school to finish my degree, the time and sacrifice that something like that would take was just too much for my family and I. After alot of thought I decided to go back to my roots and go back to a Hospital setting and get certified as a medical biller and coder. I worked for about 4 years in a medical billing company and I was good at the job and I always wanted to learn more about all that medical billing and coding had to offer. Plus jobs in the medical field are always growing and their is a stability in them that is an added plus for my family and I. We have been thinking about making some major moves this year and this would totally make me a viable candidate in the workforce. Plus its something I like!

After alot of thought I decided on a centralized program that consisted of 7 courses that ran all day Saturday. I started last January. This was a big step for me because I usually think I want to do something or say I am gonna do something and really not follow through, so the fact that I signed up, paid for the courses, bought the books and went to my first class was a huge deal!  

I put alot of pressure on myself to accomplish this goal. Not only was I doing this for myself but I feel like I am doing this for my family because lets face it I earn more money and we all have more! So basically all you have to do is pass all 7 classes and you get a certificate from the school, with this certificate you than can take state test. I started out strong. I know I was taking a year of Saturday's away from my family, away from myself, it was hard to adapt to a classroom setting after being out of any kind of schooling for so long! And guess what I rocked it! Five courses down and I have had an A average. Then came the course that I just finished. 

Now this course began right before Thanksgiving and not to blame anything, anyone or any particular event, but for the past couple of weeks I have had alot to deal with and I just could not focus. I felt like I had spread myself too thin and I was feeling really overwhelmed with every aspect of my life, not just school. So this past Saturday I went in to take the final and I got a 67!!! A freaking 67 people!!!! OK so I only really studied for two days before the test but a 67!!! The professor then gave me my final grade for the course a wait for it.... wait for it... a 72!!!! UGH!

When I saw that grade I was so disappointed in myself. I know I passed but I wanted to knock this shit out the park. Maybe its just me but when I sacrifice a year worth of Saturday's away from my family I want it to be worth it. My husband was like not to be so hard on myself, I am still passing the courses and when you are looking for work, they don't look at your individual grade they look for that certificate. But I had high expectations for myself. I was riding a high, I would show my 100% to my daughter and she would get all excited!

I know the bigger picture is I am accomplishing my goal, that I set for myself a year ago. I know that my example is what is important for my girls. But it still leaves a bad taste in my mouth to know that I didn't do my best. I let too many things get in the way. I lost focus and I think that is what bothers me the most! 

Today I read this blog post from one of my favorite blogs "Parenting by dummies"   It talks about being awesome!!! There were two things that stuck with me the most: "Just do it.  Whatever IT happens to be for you.  Because, it’s “do or do not…there is no try” (Yoda).  See?  I can remember important quotes just fine!"  and, "Be less selfish while also being more selfish.  Because sometimes, you can get all caught up in not being selfish and then you start to neglect yourself.  Being unselfish is a slippery slope like that.  You have to find balance (gah, I hate that word).  The perfect balance between not being a total jerk and also making sure people around you don’t take advantage of your willingness to give and leave you feeling, looking, and eventually acting, completely unawesome.  What it boils down to is: learn to say no.  Like you mean it."

The second one struck my hard. Its true especially as parents as mothers we tend to be selfless. I have learned and continue to learn that there is nothing wrong with being selfish when it comes to putting yourself first, accomplishing things that you set for yourself, you just have to be! So on that note yes. Maybe again I am being a bit dramatic. I am on the road to accomplishing my goal, I have one more course and I have my certificate I have passed all my classes thus far and I know I will pass the next one and get this certificate. Now the grade that I got in this class was not what I wanted but I know what to do now not to let it happen again. 

I AM GOING TO BE AWESOME!!!