Saturday, January 20, 2018

One Foot in front of the other

So I bought myself a little Christmas gift. I am going to tell you its the best 6 dollars I have ever spent. Who knew that a little journal from Ross would bring me so much clarity, so much peace. Here is the thing after my blog post where I let everyone in on my not so little dirty secret. I still find days where I am struggling. Struggling with my emotions, struggling with my thoughts, just plain old struggling. Normally I get down during the holidays, and I got really down this year. My sister was supposed to come over with my baby nephew but due some to circumstances and opportunities that are great for her family and I am totally for that, she was unable to make the trip. That was a total bummer but hey it happens. I rolled with it. Christmas was such a big thing when I was a child that being away from my family during this time always gets me feeling a certain way. Being so far away from my family always makes me feel like I am missing something. But when you have children that are just patiently waiting for Santa to leave their amazing presents under the tree you just have to roll with it. That's exactly what I did. Until I got to Ross department store. So don't tell my kids but this year Santa asked us to help him out picking up some last minute presents for my kids. (LOL) So we headed out to Ross to help Santa out and pick out a Sketch book that Layla had asked for, I found a lovely sketch book for my girl and then I found the journal pictured above. At that moment something clicked with me and I knew I had to have it. At that moment I did something I really don't do, I hardly ever do, which is part of the problem, I bought something for myself. I know that concept is something that for many means nothing. But in the past few years, I have  put my family in front of caring for myself and caring for them has become my single most important task that the idea of getting something for myself has become foreign to me. So I grabbed the journal not really giving it a second thought and off we went to continue of Christmas shopping. 

I put the journal out my mind, I had it in the bags of Christmas presents and though I had bought it for myself the journal stood in our closet for about two weeks, Christmas came and went and though I showed off my journal to my kids as my Christmas present I put it on top of my table next to my laptop and didn't think about it. It wasn't till New Year after we had returned back from my in-laws house I think it was like almost two in the morning a brand new year had begun, we got the kids to bed, my husband went to bed and I sat in my living room, to enjoy a rare quiet moment. I grabbed my journal and I began to write. As I began to write I began to cry. Not tears of sadness, but tears of triumph, I felt free. I wondered why do I deny myself something that gives me so much. Why!!!!

Not sure I can answer that question, and I am not saying my journal is the answer to all my problems, the mind is so tricky and I never know what my emotions will trigger me to go into places I don't want to, but I am learning to recognize that I can make myself feel better, I can help myself remove my negative thoughts. I write! I write! I write!

I carry my journal in my purse and whenever the feeling takes me I write a few words, be it about my kids, my husband, me, my life, my job whatever. I use to journal all the time when I was younger, than for reasons I can't remember I just stopped. These past few weeks, I have grown to love my moments when I can sit and write my thoughts on paper, where I doodle a drawing or I cut out pictures of things that inspire me. This has lead me to also start writing my stories more. I have had certain characters talking to me in my head. This time around I am not setting up any expectations, I am letting it come more freely. Even sitting here and writing this blog post. I am just letting it happen. For so long I have felt guilty if I took too much time to sit and read, write, or just be. Oh the dishes need to be cleaned, oh I have to do laundry, oh I have so many other things to do. Well even if I take 30 minutes to write this blog, guess what I still have things to do and its ok. I am ok with it. Things don't feel so overwhelming any more. Well they do, sometimes I still feel overwhelmed, but I can't let that feeling take me over. 

I had a great conversation the other day with my friend Sandra, we spoke about books, we spoke about her photography and crocheting and I spoke about my writing. I gave her my work to read, and she liked it, but more than that she held me accountable. Now don't get me wrong many have tried before and I guess I was just not at that place. Not sure what it was about Sandra words that were different for me this time. But her holding me accountable was something I needed, so we working together.  I am putting one foot in forward of the other and taking it one step at a time. Yes there will be days where I fall back. This week was a testament to that, but there are days like today, mornings like today, where I can just sit in front of my computer and ramble on and on about my journal. 

I can honestly say that today I am happy. Do I still feel my anxiety, my fears, my dark thoughts, I think deep down, they will always be part of me, but today the happy is winning. Today I acknowledge, that I have a deeper understanding and acceptance for myself. 

So yeah... there it goes I bought myself a journal and I write, I doodle, I cut out pictures of tattooed men and woman that I love... LOL I don't do new year resolutions, or the whole New Year, New Me thing, but I am keeping myself open to the possibility that there are things I want to achieve and that I can achieve them. Like always say I am not expert, I don't have all the answers, I can only share what works for me, so if you are struggling with your emotions, with the way you handle things, I have learned through many trials and errors, that what seems to work for me is reading and writing. So if you want to give it a try buy a journal, a note book, a pad of paper, and just write, write what makes you sad, what makes you mad, what make you happy, write about your day, write about your struggles, and then just put it away. It's an amazing release. I close my journal and I put it away and it's like I am letting go  of all those feelings. I use to feel the same way about this blog. I sat wrote a blog post release it to the world and I felt better. Though these days some of my thoughts and writing I want to keep private, I am learning to love the freedom this blog gave me and starting to fall in love with it again. 

I am putting one foot in front of the other and just trying to learn to navigate through the crazy mind that is Zulay! Hope you take this journey with me. 

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