Now this is where I am running into trouble, April is a busy month for me, we have both girls birthdays, so that means birthday parties to plan and everything that all that brings and we were in the process of buying a car and just other things got in the way of school work and me! I had one week off from school and I was on vacation from work and just being home, not one day did I open up my text book not once! Now its Friday and I have two quizzes tomorrow and three chapters to read! Yeah I hope this professor drops the lowest grade because this mommy needs to be put on time out!. I let time get away from me and this morning I was just feeling extremely overwhelmed!
I started to question did I take this on at a time where my family needs me I looked at my house this morning and shit ain't pretty! I had dishes in the sink, a pile of clothes to be washed, the bathroom looks a mess, hell I look a mess! Where does my time go, how can I get everything I need done and be able to make everyone happy! I just can't!
I gave up on the fact that my house will never be clean all the time it's just not possible, we live in a one bedroom and we are four and a dog! So for the most part I have dealt with the fact that my living room will be full of toys and that sometimes I will lay down in my bed and find a slipper, a shoe, or even an action figure, it's just way it is!
But this morning I just had a bit of a pity party for myself alone in my living room at 530 am. I know I can do what I have set out to do! I know I can finish this course and succeed in it! But right now at this very moment when I think of all the things I have to do, I just wonder how can I? Its just way to much right now.
And then came...Layla... giving me a hard time like kids do but when I asked her to finish getting ready and lets comb her hair and teeth this morning.. she fires back with a no! After a few minutes of back and forth, I start feeling myself getting upset so my voice is getting louder and I yell Layla please "get your butt in the bathroom or you are not going to that birthday party" to which she responded:
- I DON'T LOVE YOU
- I DON'T LIKE YOU
- I WANT A NEW MOMMY
I felt better after my cry, I am still feeling like I can't possibly do everything I have in my head that I feel needs to be done! I told myself when I started this that I had to cut myself some slack and if things didn't get done they would eventually and that everything would fall into place. That I had to find time in my routine to fit in my new duties as a student without interrupting my other duties! I guess this was just too big of a goal! Because they are going to get interrupted its just the way life works! I am not going to give up, I just have to manage my time better!!!
And hey a good cry every now and then is better than standing there ripping your hair out!
This post may not make any sense and it maybe all over the place but that's how I feel today! Sorry if it just goes on and on!