I believe I am very honest in this here blog. I say for the most part how I feel and what my view on things are... do I have somethings that I keep to myself of course, but I never try to sugar coat anything or sit here in judgement of others or at least I try not to be. When I sit at my computer to write a blog post I am genuinely here writing from the heart and I am the first one to say I don't have all the answers and I am not this perfect mom sitting at home with my perfect kids and perfect life because by no means is that true! I hope my readers read my blogs and take what they can from them and if it helps someone else in anyway even if it just made them laugh I am happy! So with that said here we go:
- I want to have another child. I feel that is something that needs to be said because when I have said in the past many have looked at me like I am crazy! But I honestly do what to have another child. I would like to have a son, I feel like my family is complete but I do want a son. I feel like we could do it and be OK!
- I have panic attacks! Not sure if that is a surprise those that know me well already know that, but I do, I small ones most of the times but sometimes I have some that make me feel like the walls are caving in and that my tongue is way to big for my mouth (do I sound crazy now LOL) most of the time I will call my husband and him telling me to breath in and out soothes me. The last time I had one was last week when my daughter went alone to her first field trip. Knowing that neither I or her father would be with her freaked my out so much that I almost could not make it to work.
- I am extremely jealous of the relationship my husband has with my girls! I know that sounds crazy but its true! They light up when he comes into the room. That doesn't happen with me! I know they love me but those three have a bond that is on another level. Though I love that they are so close I feel like I am the mom and they should love me like that!
- You know that moment every mom talks about when they give birth that the moment they saw their child they fell in love and became a mother! Well I really didn't have that moment. I mean I felt amazed, I knew at that moment life would be different and yes I did feel that at that moment I became a mother but the whole love part didn't happen as I was told it would. I did have love for my children but I believe that love that is experienced by some it came with time with me, I got to know my kids and it grow from there! Does that make any sense. I mean I had this overwhelming feeling when they were born and I was in awe of them but the whole falling in love part came after.
- I am capable of so much more! The fact that I know this is the reason that when I doubt myself I get angry. I doubt myself in everything I do... fear is the reason I have not done all that I have ever wanted to do! Though I have a bit of a tough exterior I am so insecure about every aspect of my life that its amazing I have done what I have done!