Monday, May 21, 2012

Some Things I'm Afraid To Tell You

So about two weeks ago I shared on my page this post from one of my favorite blog writers, I was so amazed at how honest she was and how brave someone has to be to expose themselves so whole heartily. After I shared that post my sister and another amazing writer and one of my favorites wrote this post. After I read her post and saw how brave and truly amazing my sister was I worked on writing this one for me. Its been sitting here in my drafts for a week or so, and I was looking at it and decided today would be the perfect day to publish it.

I believe I am very honest in this here blog. I say for the most part how I feel and what my view on things are... do I have somethings that I keep to myself of course, but I never try to sugar coat anything or sit here in judgement of others or at least I try not to be. When I sit at my computer to write a blog post I am genuinely here writing from the heart and I am the first one to say I don't have all the answers and I am not this perfect mom sitting at home with my perfect kids and perfect life because by no means is that true! I hope my readers read my blogs and take what they can from them and if it helps someone else in anyway even if it just made them laugh I am happy! So with that said here we go:

  1. I want to have another child. I feel that is something that needs to be said because when I have said in the past many have looked at me like I am crazy! But I honestly do what to have another child. I would like to have a son, I feel like my family is complete but I do want a son. I feel like we could do it and be OK!
  2. I have panic attacks! Not sure if that is a surprise those that know me well already know that, but I do, I small ones most of the times but sometimes I have some that make me feel like the walls are caving in and that my tongue is way to big for my mouth (do I sound crazy now LOL) most of the time  I will call my husband  and him telling me to breath in and out soothes me. The last time I had one was last week when my daughter went alone to her first field trip. Knowing that neither I or her father would be with her freaked my out so much that I almost could not make it to work.
  3. I am extremely jealous of the relationship my husband has with my girls! I know that sounds crazy but its true! They light up when he comes into the room. That doesn't happen with me! I know they love me but those three have a bond that is on another level. Though I love that they are so close I feel like I am the mom and they should love me like that!
  4.  You know that moment every mom talks about when they give birth that the moment they saw their child they fell in love and became a mother! Well I really didn't have that moment. I mean I felt amazed, I knew at that moment life would be different and yes I did feel that at that moment I became a mother but the whole love part didn't happen as I was told it would. I did have love for my children but I believe that love that is experienced by some it came with time with me, I got to know my kids and it grow from there! Does that make any sense. I mean I had this overwhelming feeling when they were born and I was in awe of them but the whole falling in love part came after.
  5.  I am capable of so much more! The fact that I know this is the reason that when I doubt myself I get angry. I doubt myself in everything I do... fear is the reason I have not done all that I have ever wanted to do! Though I have a bit of a tough exterior I am so insecure about every aspect of my life that its amazing I have done what I have done!
I hope that this will give you more of an insight into my crazy mind!


  1. My goodness Zulay! Thank you so much for your honesty. We are so much alike that it scares me. I too did not get that feeling when my boys were born but I truly got that feeling in different milestones in their lives. It took me some time as well. I get panic attacks all of the time. I get jealous of the relationship Adam has with his dad. I am capable of so much more than I give myself credit for and I want to have 2 more babies. I love you girl!

    1. Thank you so much for your kind words! Little by little I am working on being more secure with myself so I can achieve the things I want to do! It takes time! Thanks for reading!

    2. Take your time things will work out for you. They always do for me. Your welcome!

  2. Um we are very much alike, lol!!! I understand so much about the panic attacks, they are terrible and talking through them helps, we've had many phone conversations in this house while hubby talks me down or I talk him down! Another baby!! Yay, have one! I would if I could....To bad I can't since they had to tie my tubes, I was very depressed, I have 3 so I'm thankful but I wanted more. Thanks for the honesty.

    1. Yeah we are thinking about having another one maybe when both girls are in school and out all day... because I could not even imagine adding a new born to the mix right now!!! LOL Thank you for your kind words and thanks for reading!!!

  3. Your openness and honesty is part of what makes you a great friend to me. I think I'll be doing this post also, thanks to you...

  4. Well hi, thought I'd dance over here and say hi. HI.

    My most recent things that I should love from the beginning, puppies, I love but not really. I think they are oh so cute and adore seeing them explore and learn and grow, but don't really get all that attached until we really get to know each other. I think it's somewhat the same. You love them because they are so damned cute and irresistable but experience of living with each other and knowing personalities builds the really strong relationship.

    I've had nieces and nephews I have been unable to get close to. The parents wanted people who went nuts over them immediately, and that wasn't me. The parents who let me get to know the kids (doesn't happen in infancy for me) and interact with the personalities found I was a really good aunt. I've also kind of adopted a couple of stray kids over time who came from rotten families but there was something about the kids that told me they were capable of so much more than their unfortunate birth parents. We have had wonderful times. We are regulars at local events and I've taken them on nice, very nice, vacations. With the vacations come knowledge aplenty about where they are, the history of the region, interaction with people from other countries as well--heck I made them into super little folks. Hope it lasts through puberty, but who knows.

    At least my dogs are better and better as they get older. They are herding dogs and too hyperactive when really young but when they can settle down for 10-15 minutes, you can really become close. I love them a lot. Nice to see you, CB From BC