Saturday, January 30, 2016

Believe in Myself

So I did something outside my comfort zone and shared my writing. I shared it with two people I am close to and then I shared it with two people on my face book page that I know from High School and I value their opinion but they are not in my every day and I needed a unbiased opinion. Guess what for the most part I got very good opinions they were all very honest which is exactly what I wanted. I heard everything and I am working on my next step. I am not quite sure what my next step is, I am going to continue to work on my writing and not be so hard of myself.

I noticed that if I just take the pressure off myself. Get back to what I loved about writing about creating, it actually flows better than if I sit and try to get it done. Not sure if that makes sense. My mind is in constant motion, I am thinking about work, the house, the kids, bills, things I need done making up lists in my head of things I need done, and it is very hard to fit writing into all that but I am trying.
I have noticed that my actual fear is me. I don't believe in myself. I am not very happy to admit that but its true. I am my biggest critic and my worst enemy. Maybe that is true for everyone. Sometimes people think I am fishing for compliments or that I am being humble when I am surprised that someone gives me a compliment no matter what it is for. I do at times show myself as a very confident person but I really am not. Wow I can't believe I am saying all of this. I do lack a hell of a lot of self confidence, its been this way for as long as I can remember. As the years have gone by and I have become, a wife a mother, I guess become older and wiser, I have learned to accept myself for the kick ass chick that I am!!!  At 36 years old. I can honestly say that I am beautiful, I am strong, I am smart, and I will toot toot my own horn!!!


Before I would question the hell out that statement, but hell yeah I am!!! I am happy with who I have become. I am grateful for what I have and I am confident in my abilities. Now that being said I still need self assurance in a lot of areas. I guess I will always be that way and I know many of us need that too. I have to remind myself on a daily basis to believe in myself. This is a daily mantra I tell myself in the morning, during the day, when ever I feel myself slipping. I repeat it over  and over again.  Cause really it doesn't matter what others say, if I am not my number one cheerleader, I will not achieve what I want to do, I still a work in progress. Being your number one spokesperson is always important, that being said it feels so good when you have someone in your corner telling that you can do it. Believing in you when you don't believe in yourself.

This morning in a rare moment, my dude and I were in the living room before he went to work just talking and hanging out, while the kids were still asleep, just talking about everyday things. I started talking to him about the feedback I got about my writing. He turned to me and asked me something I never really asked myself, he asked "what you want out of your writing?" I never really thought about it, I mean yes I dream, I want to write I wanna see my name on the cover of a book that I wrote, but what do I want out of it, do I want it to be my life make a living out of it, do I want to do it for fun. I never really thought about it I just at this point want to have time to create, time to focus. So I just looked at him. Again he asked me what do you want out of your writing. He went on to say, "if you dream pennies, you gonna get pennies, now if you dream dollas, you gonna get dollas" Now I know that is from a movie I think he said it was from the movie Ray but that is besides the point. It made me think and so I turned to my husband and said I wanna see my name on the cover of a book, I wanna see my book on Amazon that I can download it on my Kindle.  So my husband being my husband he says in classic dude fashion "Then that's what the fuck you will do"

Then that's what the fuck you will do!!!!

Only god knows why I love that man!!! And I do. He is my number one supporter when I don't believe in me, he is there. We been together over 20 years and he is always the voice in my head telling me to go for it, to just do it, he doesn't care if I succeed or fail he has my back. So today at 6:30 in the morning in a non distinct house in Florida, I got a push, and I think this time it finally stuck. If I want to be a writer guess what people....


And not just cause my dude said so because this morning, looking at my home, sitting talking and having a real conversation of what I want out of my writing, I started to believe in myself! Shit... this is freaking crazy... to be continued I guess... Like all the books I read I am just gonna have to wait till the next one to see how it ends... don't turn the page to quickly cause I want to enjoy the journey!