Wednesday, November 23, 2016

My Hustle is not that hard...

Let me explain the title of this blog. I am sitting here on my day off before I tackle the chores on Thanksgiving break and I realize. I kind of have left my personal hustle go... to the point of extinction. For my family I hustle the hardest. I get shit done when it comes to my home my kids and my husband. But for me. My hustle has laid dormant. I have written about this before, but this past year I have witness my self hustle go away in a big way.... I no longer hustle hard for myself and I just really don't know how to get my self hustle back


I have no idea where it went. When we moved to Florida three years ago, I was so busy setting my family up I got a job right away, I got the kids enrolled in school, we started saving money we bought a house, we started setting that up, when my son developed a speech delay I worked so hard to get him the help he needs and we still struggle with his care and all that he needs I kind of forgot about me. My anxieties and worries were amplified and I just gave up on myself. There are so many things I want to accomplish with my writing, with getting over all my insecurities that cause my anxiety that I just cant seem to wrap my brain around it. We as moms tend to do that give all to our families we forget about ourselves. We forget that we are people too, not just mom, not just wife. I am Zulay. I have to remember that. Its really hard for me to separate myself. I have build this nice little bubble for myself and I can't seem to get out of it. I have become way too comfortable, I am not even sure if that is the exact word for what I am feeling.

For all purposes I have a good life and believe me I am not complaining but as a person, as a woman, as someone who knows who she is I am lacking in that department. I can be confident, and funny and all that but I still feel like I have so many hurdles head of me. Do you know I want to one day finish my book and actually click publish. I think I have voiced that so many times. I have even shared my work with others and received positive feed back. What is standing in my way, well simply put, me. I am my biggest doubter, to the point my anxiety started acting up and I got the biggest case of writers block I have ever had. This right here is the most words I have typed in weeks!!!!! And I still as I am writing this doubt that it makes any sense I mean at least will it make sense to you when you read it. Will I even share this. Ugh you see I am doing it again. Its a vicious cycle.

If only I can put the same effort I put into my home life to my personal self I would be unstoppable. I am not sure where I lost my inner hustle and I am not gonna sit here and tell you this is a declaration that once I close this blog post out I will get off my sofa and declare myself a badass!!! Um no... I think my inner hustle is gonna take more than words on this blog to get back. I have a lot of things to get over. I am gonna be 37 in like two weeks. I know the woman I want to be and in a lot of aspects I am but I still have so many things I need to do to get over my own personal things. My anxiety works against me a lot and it wasn't tell just recently that I had to admit to myself that I have a problem with anxiety. I am starting to take steps to help with that. I think that is a major hurdle in getting my hustle back.

I have to remember its ok to put me first. Actually its a necessity. I have kind of forgotten for a long time to take care of me. I put all the things I wanted to do on the sidelines, I blamed family priorities and all that goes into being a wife and mother, I used the famous line " I just don't have the time" I really don't have much time for myself, but I think its cause I don't make the time for myself. I think maybe if I change things up I can make some time to work on me. I have to at this point. I am so much danger in totally forgetting who I am!!! I think my problems are not unique to me. I think many moms feel this way. As I sit here and type this I remember there are dishes in the sink, lunch to be made, beds to be dressed and I can't help but feel guilty that I took the time to write on my blog, something that a few years ago gave me so much joy. I felt alive when I would get comments on my blog and on my Face book page.

I am gonna end this now cause I am really hungry. So lunch doesn't sound like a bad idea! But I am making a promise to myself today. I am gonna really hustle hard for myself. I am way over due. I am gonna continue to work on my anxiety and I think its time I actually and speak to a professional I have been let it cripple me for way to long and trying to fight it on my own I think I have done all I can do! But if you are just a mom who is just realizing that maybe you too forget about yourself. Remember this you are more than a mom, you are you, and you will never stop being you, and you are in there somewhere. Remind yourself from time to time and its OK to take time for yourself I know the struggle with that is so real. Believe me I know and like I have said numerous times in this blog. I am not a professional, I can only write my experience. So here I sit telling the blog sphere that I am not perfect so far from it. I am a mom who lost her way in her own journey. I have carried my family and always fought for them but I forget along the way to fight for myself. So I begin my journey today. I can't say that change will be instant. I may fall along the way. But I have to try. I have to learn to be me again. I have to be Zulay. I mean if I do say so she ain't half bad.. LOL
So this blog has gone way too long and my kids are looking at me like I got two heads cause they hungry, so I leave you with this, I doubt myself way too much, I question every decision I make when it comes to me, and I live in fear of forgetting what makes me, me but for the first time in a long time I see the light at the end of the tunnel. So I am gonna go reintroduce myself to myself. Thank you for reading...I hope I don't sound like a Kanye rant (too soon sorry Kanye fans, I am one too!!!)

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