Sunday, October 29, 2017

The awful dirty Truth...

I have thought about writing this post for a really long time... every time I start it I chicken out and chuck it or don't even turn on the computer to begin to type it out. Because you see to tell your own truths is very difficult, imagine you putting out all your dirty little secrets for the world, or you know the handful of people who will read this is a very scary thing...see when you are honest about yourself, and you put yourself out there, it opens you up for judgment, to criticism, to skepticism, but I feel that this is the most important piece I will ever write because maybe just maybe my struggles will help someone else, even if its them feeling like they are not alone.

  1. 1.
    feelings of severe despondency and dejection.

    "self-doubt creeps in and that swiftly turns to depression

Let me start from the beginning, now I forewarn you this is going to most likely be lengthy post and I really don't have the answers this is just me letting all bare in hopes that it will bring me some peace and maybe in the interim  allow someone not to feel so alone. So where do I start, I have always been a moody person for lack of a better word, I am better on one on one situations then in big crowds, though I adapt to situations quickly I really don't like to be put into certain situations. I am the textbook introvert. I don't wanna go but I want the option to go if I feel like it... LOL I have always felt things deeply, and my sense of self when I was younger was diluted. I have had self esteem issues almost all my life, but in my late twenties when I was reaching 30 I finally started to feel as though I was comfortable being me. I started feeling as though I was good enough. I was as happy as I could remember. Now please don't get me wrong. I had a wonderful childhood, I married my best friend and I had three of the most amazing kids ever. I have had moments of happiness that you could not believe, and those moments I felt to my core, I am not taking anything from those moments, I lived those moments, those are the moments I go to when I go to the place that got me to the point where I felt this was necessary.

If I had to pinpoint a moment in my life when I started on this path, I think I am gonna have to be completely honest, this is the whole point of this so, (as I take a deep breath) when I gave birth to my son, I had dealt with postpartum depression with my first daughter, at the time I didn't call it that but I had bounce back from it. But my last pregnancy was really tough, which I chronicled here. So when the pregnancy was over and I had this beautiful baby boy, I should be ecstatic I should have been elated, I found those feelings never came, I loved my son but I was drowning in guilt, guilt because when I first found out I was pregnant, I thought twice about it, I had two small girl, there were things I wanted to do, could I possibly have three, how could we do this, we lived in a one bedroom apartment, my cup was completely full, now mind you I know these thoughts are normal, and I must have thought that for a totally of ten seconds before I embraced his pregnancy like all the others, but that simple thought, that innocent thought, wreck my postpartum brain to no end. I then felt like I had to be extra, I had three kids now, I had to do everything and anything to be super mom. I could not let others see that inside, I was completely unsure, I was so scared that I would mess something up that I was not living my moments I was existing. I didn't know this was happening, I was too busy raising three kids, throw into the mix the fact we were moving to another state, I was leaving the home that I had known for 33 years. Going away from my family, leaving my friends behind, leaving my support behind, I was completely scared out my mind, but to everyone around me even my husband, I tried and for the most part achieved at looking excited, part of me was but for the most part I was a ball of anxiety and nerves.

In a year after our move, we bought a house, we both had jobs, I was advancing in my new job, my kids were doing great, though my son had some developmental issues, he was thriving in his therapies, my husband was happy, so I suppressed these feelings that I felt every now and then creeping up. I faked it I looked happy, but something was missing. I was losing something, I have hinted to that here in the past, I have even said, I was working on it, all were lies, I felt like if I said, I will work harder, I will hustle harder, then maybe I will believe it. I was wrong, little by little I realized that I was no longer living, I was existing. I was a mom, a wife, a worker, I kept everything together for my little family, I took on so much responsibility on to myself that forgot to live in the moment. At first I guess you can say it was innocent, I would correct myself, give myself a pep talk, go get a haircut, do my eyebrows, go out with my friends, make myself feel better. This would help. this would give me a reprieve from my dark thoughts but as time past those fleeting moments were harder to achieve. I was like a drug addict chasing my next high. I was longing for the moments that would make my mind shut off those thoughts, that I was not good enough, that I was not doing enough, that I was not a good mother a good wife, a good friend, etc. I was chasing moments, I was laying stuff on others, so they can make me feel a certain way. I was trying to achieve happiness without really being happy. Does that make any sense?

About a year ago, my marriage like many others, started going through some trials and tribulations, which I was not mentally prepared to deal with, so I ignored things that should have been dealt with. My husband and I found ourselves in uncharted waters, and I took this very hard. I am a fixer, I fix things, I need a plan of action, and this was one of those situations where there was no time lines , no definite plan, no concrete answers. For the first time in a long time, the facade was fading, I could not keep it together. I could not fake it enough to get through the day, to make it believable to myself that I was OK. I was cracking. I was overwhelmed, I took everything upon myself, I had to fix everything, I just had to. I became completely and utterly overwhelmed. I brought everything within myself and fell down the rabbit hole. I completely lost myself. I am still lost, everything I did took effort. Waking up in the morning, getting out the bed,  combing and washing my hair, getting dressed, facing the day, became tasks that are normal for some but for me were accomplishments. I no longer was even phoning it in, I was done. I was a walking living dead person. Now I put on a very good front for my kids, for my family, for myself. I lied to myself. I told myself that only a weak person lets them get to this point. I tried and tried but I could not find the tools to do basic things.

So here is the truth, I haven't wash my hair in about three weeks, I comb it I brush it back into a bun every day. I have beautiful long curly hair, but what is the point, why comb it who cares, I should care but I don't, I wear jeans, and tee shirts to work, I wear flats every day, no make up my eyebrows don't get done. I stopped being me. Everything that makes me, kind of got put in the back seat, and now I kind of forgot it. What do I like, what do I love, what am I good at, what do I want to do, who am I, where am I going? All these questions plaque me, all these anxieties bring me down. What if I can't get out of this, what if I can't find out who I am. What if who I am is not good enough. All these what ifs, and no simple answers, cause who really knows who they are, who really figures everything out. I lied to myself many times, I told myself I was OK, I would say I was going to start something and not stick to it, I read and tried fix myself. I spoke to others, and tried to have them fix me, but in the end I really wasn't ready. I wasn't ready to face my truths, I still had to "fake" it. I am a mom, a wife, I have responsibilities especially to my children, they deserve a functioning mother, so I loved on them, kept it together as best I could, shielding them from this "crazy" woman that was invading my body. My oldest once found me crying on my sofa late at night, when I thought everyone was asleep, asked me why I was crying, I told her I had a bad dream, and she stood with me till she fell asleep, and moved her to her bed, so I decided I would not cry at night, I could not let her find me like that again, or any of my kids.That moment I figured I couldn't let them see, I couldn't let them doubt me, so I didn't even give myself a space to feel. If I need to cry, I would wait till the early morning hours, when I woke up to start my day, in the shower where the water can muffle my cries. My sadness turned into anger. I lashed out, most of the time unwarranted. Funny thing is I was only fooling myself, my husband saw, and god bless him he tried, he tries, but who is equipped. Some people I spoke to would say, hey you just need a day to yourself, go do your hair, go wax your brows, but thing is even when I took that advice and spent a little time on myself, I wasn't happy. I didn't care. I kept telling myself over and over again, I am not supposed to feel this way. I am not supposed to feel this way. Why can't I just snap out of it. I got up every day sent my kids to school, I went to work, my husband I worked on our marriage, but I didn't work on myself. I was functioning, but I really wasn't living.

Right before Hurricane Irma, I guess I hit rock bottom, I was so upset all day. I was miserable, I would cry on the bus, I would be at work and just stare out into space. I knew my name, but I didn't recognize who I was. Then the hype that was Irma hit Florida, I was completely overwhelmed, this natural disaster was out of my control, and I was so nervous, that I could not deal, my mind had me thinking the worse case scenarios. The thing you have to understand is that I was so far gone, that I could not deal with anything, that Hurricane was unprecedented, the news, that all they spoke about. I actually thought we were goners. That's the first place my brain went. Harvey had just happened, I saw what happened in Texas, then Irma hit and we survived but the experience was horrible, then Maria hit and devastated Puerto Rico, then the Vegas shooting. All these events, all that devastation, and I could not process, my mind was overwhelmed with sadness for people I didn't even know. Yet still I got up every day and went through the motions. I don't want to say I thought about suicide because I didn't, but I did think, that my existence didn't matter, here or not here, those around me would be fine. I know that these were not "normal" thoughts, but my brain was not processing emotions well. I was overwhelmed by my very existence. I found myself in a mental space that I couldn't navigate. No matter what I did, no matter who I spoke to, what I tried to do, I couldn't climb out my hole.
I just didn't know what to do, I remember I texted, or called my sister and just spilled most of what
I was going through and I remember feeling ashamed that I couldn't even keep it together to talk to her, that I didn't make sense. I was mad that I couldn't even keep it together. I felt like a complete and utter failure. In this time my hair still was not being washed, I made every excuse to not deal with me. I worked, I came home, I functioned with my family, but things around me were just being thrown to the sidelines. I swear that I was dealing but I started lying to myself. Tomorrow, I start writing my infamous book, tomorrow, I will write on my blog that I loved so much, tomorrow I will give up soda, tomorrow I will learn to drive, tomorrow I will wash my hair. Thing is tomorrow never came. This famous tomorrow never came. I reverted more into my own world. 

Can't really tell you I had an empathy or a breaking point. There was a series of events that I feel are part of my journey that I won't share, but I am starting to see that mythical light at the end of the tunnel. One day as corny as it sounds I looked at myself in the mirror and I down right hated what I saw. I just didn't, I don't really know how to fix it. So I decided, one I would talk to my friends, I would reach out to those that I know always had my back but that in my hiding didn't let in to this part of me, and I would set small goals for myself, and put one foot in front of the other. I told myself I would get help. I am working on that I am not that cool at talking to counselors, or a therapist, but I am coming to realize that this is bigger than what I and those around so I am working on getting to a place that I feel comfortable enough to talk to an impartial party. 

I don't have all the answers,  I didn't wake up and suddenly feel better about myself. It still takes effort to get out of bed to do certain things. But somethings have become easier, I quit drinking soda, that was a small goal that I have stuck with, I started washing my hair, ( I know I pretty grossed out by that but whatever cut me some slack) Some of friends I felt I pulled away from I am working on getting back to connect with. Finally writing this. This where I tell my dirty truth, where I expose myself to judgement or criticism. I needed to write this. I needed people to know, this shit ain't easy. And someone can't just snap out of it. You can't color your hair, or take a day off, or clean your house, or bake it away. You can't just start being another way. I still have anxiety, I still have very sad and angry moments. But I think the difference is I am in those moments, I no longer am hiding them, if I wanna cry I will cry and if I am asked why I am crying, I explain it as best I can. If I am angry I explain that too. I am letting myself feel whatever it is I am feeling, if its an "irrational" feeling I try to figure out how I can turn it around. I am not allowing myself to judge myself. I am living every emotion and trying to understand them.

 I am going to be 38 this year and I completely and utterly don't have a sense of self. I lost it. I want it back and every day I ask myself what would Zulay do. What would I do? I think I kind of lost part of my old self forever, and I think that is och. I think we all have to evolve and I guess this was just my way. I am scared to death to have you read this. What will you think of me, will you look at me differently. Will you judge me, will you think me weak? I hope not, but I guess with writing this I am trying to say is that it will be what it will be. I hope you take from this, that I am like many people out there, just trying to find their own way. I lost my way. I am still very lost. But in allowing myself to finally accept that I am lost, in allowing myself to feel this feeling of loss, I am conscience of learning to find my way back. I don't want your pity, I just wanted you to know, you are not alone. If you stick with me I promise I will stick with you and we can navigate this together.


No comments:

Post a Comment