Well, recently my family and I hit a rough patch financially and I put all this burden on myself, because I wanted to be able to fix us! Make sure that we didn't fall off track! All this pressure all this worry made me neglect myself even more. I didn't buy myself anything! When I mean anything, I mean anything! I haven't bought one new piece of clothing in months! I haven't even done my eyebrows, what is that like five bucks! (OK here come the Groucho Marx jokes!) But its the truth. I was so worried that we would never get out this hole we were in and for a minute it was not cute! That I put myself dead last on list of things to do and take care of! As long as everyone else was fine then I was fine! But the thing is I wasn't fine! I was tired all the time, my mind was filled with so many thoughts! I was in a constant state of panic that the rug would be ripped right out from under me! I woke up every morning more exhausted then when I fell asleep. Everything, every little task, every little chore felt like I had no time for! I was trying to balance everything and in the process alot of things just didn't get done! It was as if I was battling a war with myself and I was losing! I was losing me! I tried to make myself feel better, I tried the whole makeup thing, I tried dressing myself up but still those were all superficial and I just was not into it so the effort was not there. I didn't feel good, I didn't look good. I was becoming undone!
Maybe this is what depression feels like, I mean real depression, not just you a little sad, but the feeling like the sadness has some how taken over your body and you physically don't have the energy to mentally deal with the problem. I know now that I can say this is how I have been feeling for the past several months. Yes, I had moments of "normal" I mean I wasn't a zombie. Like many moms and parents know sometimes you have to just move past how you are feeling because you have kids to raise, you have a house to keep, you have a job! So I guess for the most part I was living a double life. I was just trying to keep my head above water, but who really wants to live like that! I sure don't....
Then came this past Monday and I really don't know what was different about this day. All I know is Sunday night I went to bed like normal, I had ironed like I usually do all the clothes for the upcoming week. But something was different when I woke up on Monday, I looked at myself in the mirror after coming out the shower and actually told myself "NOT TODAY DAMN IT, NOT TODAY" I went into my cabinet underneath the sink and washed my face, I went into my hall closet and took out the days outfit, I dusted off my jewelry box and pulled out some earrings, pulled out a necklace, I went to the back of my closet passed the sneakers and took out shoes to match the outfit I brushed my hair into a pony tail and not my usual bun and when I emerged I started seeing me again!
I am not saying Make up and some shoes snapped me out my funk! I mean I still got alot of work to do. But I must say I felt better and now that I am seeing that our situation has a silver lining and maybe just maybe it's not all doom and gloom. I can start picking myself up again! I have a tendency of being my own worst enemy and I am trying to remedy that. I am feeling much better these past few days. I have been doing alot of thinking and I realize I get in my own way at times! I am always second guessing myself and I am always trying to find excuses for why I can't do this that or the other and it just really makes me feel bad because I miss out on opportunities that I feel I could have kicked ass in! Why I do this I don't know but I can't afford a therapist at the moment so you guys are gonna have to do!
I actually am starting to do things outside my comfort zone. First up, I sent out an email to audition for Listen To Your Mother show. Who would have thought I would have the courage to actually send out the email to actually book an audition. I actually feel like I can do this! You know what so what if I don't get it! I said I was gonna do something and I did it! That is a big step for me! A VERY BIG STEP! I am also working on some other things and changes but that is for another time. There so many things I want to do and for the first time in a long time I feel like I can actually do them and be great! I need to also realize, everything is not the end of the world. You know what yes our situation was a bad one, and yes there were alot of things going on, but my family is good I got two great kids, I have a great man by my side, we have alot of things going for us! I have to stop bringing everything on to myself. Though I really would want to be, I am not super woman! I am just not! I can't do everything alone and it's OK to ask for help, especially when I find myself this down!
So I really am not sure what click in my head on Monday morning, but I am glad whatever it was happened. I can't say for sure how long this will last but I really am seeing life in a different way. I really am trying to be positive every moment of the day.
Oh and remember this picture... well lets just say I am getting the hang of this makeup thing! I really like putting on my "face" on, LOL. Oh by the way I love necklaces and accessories... they are so much fun! But this is so much more than just having fun with makeup and clothes. This is about me feeling good about me! And you know what you guys I do feel good about me! I am going to try and stop beating myself up. Life does that enough! We are OK, we are doing good!, despite some hardships that will take some time to overcome we are good! I am good! I just want to continue feeling this way! BECAUSE IT'S FUCKING AWESOME!
|Sorry for the bathroom shot!|
OK,so my hair still back but it was in a ponytail, not a bun! So there! Yeah buddy that is lip gloss cause did I mention I really like my lips!! LOL anyway!!! I feel good. I can see things getting better and it feels great! Life is messy, hell down right disgusting at times but we have to keep it moving and I am really trying to do that!