Multitasking My Labor!!!!

 

That lil' lady right there is going to be the big 5 in April!!!! I can't believe it! Did I mention I am due in April and my other lil' lady's birthday is also in April!!!! I really try to make every birthday they have special! Due to the fact that this is her BIG 5TH BIRTHDAY!!!! We are going to take her out with her cousins and have a great day out bowling!!! She is so excited!

The thing is... I am due April 21st and this Birthday Extravaganza is April 13th. Can you see where I am going with this!!!! I was early for both girls what if I am in labor or in the hospital with Spawn #3. Can I multitask my labor??? LOL I really want to be there for her and I really want her to have a birthday that is great and she has a great time!  I booked the birthday and I designated a substitute hostess just in case I am in the hospital or have to stay home with a newborn!!! I have even gone to the extreme of telling my husband that it doesn't matter if I am in labor leave me in the hospital and go celebrate with Layla!!! (Is that too much!!!!) That is what made my friend coin the term "multitasking my labor"!!! I just love that!

Thing is that lately I been feeling like I am wearing myself too thin! I have my two girls, my husband, my job and our home! I am 35 weeks pregnant, I have to go to fetal monitoring twice a week on top of high risk doctors and my regular doctors and I am going to school! I really feel like everyday is something new and then, to top it off I feel like I am letting some people down. Like no matter what I do, its not enough!

I know its impossible to make everyone happy. And really that should not be my priority but the thing is when you are being told that you not coming up to snuff, you tend to question yourself, especially when you are an emotional pregnant mess! LOL. I know I am being unrealistic with my expectations of myself. I know I am doing a lot and doing a great job! Just today at this moment I feel deflated and the idea of missing a birthday for one of my kids just makes me feel  like I need to do everything to make sure that if I have to miss it I am not missed! UGH am I making any sense. I feel like I am rambling. 

Hopefully this feeling  will go away! I only have a few more weeks to go and he will be here with us! We are doing great! He is doing awesome, weighing in at 5 pounds 7 ounces at the last fetal monitoring appointment so he is already on his way to being bigger at birth than my daughters!

I am a big fan of Modern Family and this whole birthday situation reminds me of the episode that Gloria is in labor but tries to hold it in because it's her son's birthday!!! I would totally try and do that!!! I couldn't find that clip but I did find a montage clip of all of ABC favorite moments of her pregnancy!!! So here it goes enjoy!

  

Just a bit disappointed in Myself!

About a year ago I decided I needed a change. Though I do enjoy my job, the company I work for is very small and really there is no real growth here. I looked at all my options and decided though I do really want to go to school to finish my degree, the time and sacrifice that something like that would take was just too much for my family and I. After alot of thought I decided to go back to my roots and go back to a Hospital setting and get certified as a medical biller and coder. I worked for about 4 years in a medical billing company and I was good at the job and I always wanted to learn more about all that medical billing and coding had to offer. Plus jobs in the medical field are always growing and their is a stability in them that is an added plus for my family and I. We have been thinking about making some major moves this year and this would totally make me a viable candidate in the workforce. Plus its something I like!

After alot of thought I decided on a centralized program that consisted of 7 courses that ran all day Saturday. I started last January. This was a big step for me because I usually think I want to do something or say I am gonna do something and really not follow through, so the fact that I signed up, paid for the courses, bought the books and went to my first class was a huge deal!  

I put alot of pressure on myself to accomplish this goal. Not only was I doing this for myself but I feel like I am doing this for my family because lets face it I earn more money and we all have more! So basically all you have to do is pass all 7 classes and you get a certificate from the school, with this certificate you than can take state test. I started out strong. I know I was taking a year of Saturday's away from my family, away from myself, it was hard to adapt to a classroom setting after being out of any kind of schooling for so long! And guess what I rocked it! Five courses down and I have had an A average. Then came the course that I just finished. 

Now this course began right before Thanksgiving and not to blame anything, anyone or any particular event, but for the past couple of weeks I have had alot to deal with and I just could not focus. I felt like I had spread myself too thin and I was feeling really overwhelmed with every aspect of my life, not just school. So this past Saturday I went in to take the final and I got a 67!!! A freaking 67 people!!!! OK so I only really studied for two days before the test but a 67!!! The professor then gave me my final grade for the course a wait for it.... wait for it... a 72!!!! UGH!

When I saw that grade I was so disappointed in myself. I know I passed but I wanted to knock this shit out the park. Maybe its just me but when I sacrifice a year worth of Saturday's away from my family I want it to be worth it. My husband was like not to be so hard on myself, I am still passing the courses and when you are looking for work, they don't look at your individual grade they look for that certificate. But I had high expectations for myself. I was riding a high, I would show my 100% to my daughter and she would get all excited!

I know the bigger picture is I am accomplishing my goal, that I set for myself a year ago. I know that my example is what is important for my girls. But it still leaves a bad taste in my mouth to know that I didn't do my best. I let too many things get in the way. I lost focus and I think that is what bothers me the most! 

Today I read this blog post from one of my favorite blogs "Parenting by dummies"   It talks about being awesome!!! There were two things that stuck with me the most: "Just do it.  Whatever IT happens to be for you.  Because, it’s “do or do not…there is no try” (Yoda).  See?  I can remember important quotes just fine!"  and, "Be less selfish while also being more selfish.  Because sometimes, you can get all caught up in not being selfish and then you start to neglect yourself.  Being unselfish is a slippery slope like that.  You have to find balance (gah, I hate that word).  The perfect balance between not being a total jerk and also making sure people around you don’t take advantage of your willingness to give and leave you feeling, looking, and eventually acting, completely unawesome.  What it boils down to is: learn to say no.  Like you mean it."

The second one struck my hard. Its true especially as parents as mothers we tend to be selfless. I have learned and continue to learn that there is nothing wrong with being selfish when it comes to putting yourself first, accomplishing things that you set for yourself, you just have to be! So on that note yes. Maybe again I am being a bit dramatic. I am on the road to accomplishing my goal, I have one more course and I have my certificate I have passed all my classes thus far and I know I will pass the next one and get this certificate. Now the grade that I got in this class was not what I wanted but I know what to do now not to let it happen again. 

I AM GOING TO BE AWESOME!!!

 

Do I have the right to blog about my kids????

The other day I was catching up on my blog reading and came across one of my favorite bloggers most recent post  
in this post she blogs about the issues she had wondering if she had the right to blog about her autistic son! This got me thinking, my entire blog is about myself, my children and my husband and everything else that pops up in my head! I refer to everyone by name, I put out everything and anything and I really don't censor myself, the way it happens is the way it usually comes out in my blog.

Now when I first started this blog, I discussed it with my husband and he said as long as he was not in it. I said done! But then I had to put him in it we have been together for almost 20 years, I mean if he is not in this blog I would not be telling my truth. So I had to go back to him and let him know that it just wasn't fair to completely leave him out because it just would not make sense. He was fine with that fact and there was only one blog post that he made me take down after a long discussion, he just really was not comfortable with it being up there for everyone to see. So after a while I did take it down, I mean I do have to live with the guy!!! LOL. This brings me to my girls and the other spawn that is in my belly at the moment. I never asked or even thought to ask them how they felt about being splattered all over the Internet. Everyone reading the crazy things they do! Everyone being part of all our family outings, traditions and chaos! I mean I birthed them so I get  to write about them, right? LMAO I still struggle with this. 

I put them out there for everyone to see, and then the mommy in me wonders are they being judged? Do I have the stomach to not lash out on negative comments? Should I have gone the route of other bloggers and changed their names or not show their faces? I still wonder! At the end of the day I have to live with my decision. I started this blog because I needed an outlet, somewhere to write about all the things I was going through being a new mom, things that well I was not prepared for and honestly I don't think many of us are prepared for. Through this blog I have built relationships with some other amazing moms, and woman that I dare to call friends because I feel that through their own writings I have become close to them. I have built a community of support and understanding and I love it, it was exactly the reason I started all of this. I went the route of full disclosure and I hope that has been the right decision. Will I be judged negatively? Well I guess no matter what route I happen to have chosen I would think someone out there would disagree so I have to learn to take the good and the bad! What I really wonder is when they are old enough to read this, will they like it? Will they be happy in the manner they are portrayed?  

I guess this is something I will always struggle with, whether or not my decision was the right one. But for me at the end of the day when I sit at this computer and write on my little piece of real estate in this blog-o-sphere, I am happy and content, and who can really ask for anything more!

Why I vote!!!

Here is the thing... I am not going to tell you who I voted for or what party I vote for or who I think you should vote for... but I am going to tell you that you should vote! As an American Citizen you should vote! Every vote counts! Its as simple as that!

Why do I vote!! Its simple, two words, Ramon Lopez! My dad!!! My parents are Puerto Rican and they came to New York with my older brothers to get the "American Dream". For the most part he got it he is living out his dream and is retired and living between PR and here! While he lived here he always voted in ever election, local, and national! My parents always spoke about politics in our household and my father always made sure he was up on what was going on in our area. My father took each one of us when we turned 18 to vote. He stood there in line with us and explained how it was going to work and what we had to do. He always told us it was our duty to have our voices heard.

As we grew up and left our home, he does check in and calls to make sure we voted!!!  I called this morning to let him know I voted... he wasn't home he was at his local voting place casting his vote!!! That's my dad! 

Go out there and vote! It was not that long ago that many of us didn't have to right to vote! Whatever your political choices are go out and vote!

SAFEWORD

So a few months back I ventured into the world of "Fifty Shades of Grey" and like everyone else fell in love Mr. Christian Grey! Well that is not entirely true for all of book one I did not like him yet I felt compelled to finish book 1 and finish up the series by reading the other two books and by the end I felt him and I had grown a connection! LOL I actually liked him! So I set out to give myself a writing assignment and I set out to write something that was inspired by those books.... and this is what I came up with... if you looking for it to be anything like the story I am sorry to disappoint. I usually read something and flip it around and try to create something completely different, so this is not a spoiler for those who have not read it, its my take on things I picked up in the story and I just ran with it....

 

SAFEWORD

RED! Resisting Every Desire… a silent prayer, I repeat in my head! The thoughts overwhelming, the feelings I have!

Why does my body betray me, I know this all shades of wrong… RED! Resisting Every Desire, a silent prayer to myself. If only your words can match your actions. If only you would have been willing to guide me, through all of this! Instead you denied me, my anguish felt in ever touch! Confusion for what my body’s wants, conflicting with what I know is wrong. Your touch….

Your sweet touch… followed by your harsh words… RED! Resisting Every Desire! These feelings that I feel it is hard to make sense! I can’t wrap my head around it. When your touch feels so good but your words rip into me like daggers. I am lost, alone with my thoughts. My mind hurts, my body aches. I feel you before I see you. I am being betrayed by everything I hold dear.

RED! Resisting Every Desire…this little silent prayer, my mantra against you! If you could just be still in the moment. Just hold on to me. If I could just hold you then you would know… you would feel, you would see… your touch turns violent. I understand what I must do! Though my body betrays me, the silent prayer gets louder. I know what I must do…. RED! Resisting Every Desire…I must shout it out. I must make my body understand… this is no good!

RED! Resisting Every Desire…I hurt, overwhelmed, denied, I utter those words, again and again RED! RED! RED! Never again, will you ever hurt me, your touch so sweet, your words so mean. Confusion sets in and even though you setting me free you still twist your words, your touch still betrays! I hunger for the day that I can make sense of this mess. How your touch can feel so good but your words hurt so bad. How what once I felt so deeply make me feel so cheap. How you could have helped me! How you can have saved me! The impact that you had, the moments that mean nothing now. I agonize in theory of what could have been. You could have guided me, yet you choose to infiltrate my mind in a way still not yet understood.

RED! Resisting Every Desire… I scream out these words… no longer will you stand in the threshold of my mind, no longer will you hold me back, make me feel ashamed. Your touch so gentle… you kiss so sweet, my body betrays me, but this time I hold on… 

P.S. I know I haven't been really writing mommy stuff lately... I will I have alot still to share I just felt it was time to show you guys another side of me... I guess I need to show u my Fifty Shades of Zulay! LOL Thank you always for your support!

The Courtyard

One day I hope to write a book, about what well my first thought would be about my life, the place I grew up and the people I have met. Not really an autobiography but something along the lines of fiction based on fact. Now when will I ever find the time, resources to do this, haven't really thought about that yet, this right now is a thought in my mind! I do from time to time find myself at my computer may it be at work or at home and something comes to mind and I start to write. Most of what I write never gets seen by anyone just stays in a file for me to enjoy but lately I feel a little adventurous and though I find it easy to share and write to you all about my kids, my husband and my crazy little world I created when it comes to the things I write for myself its a bit harder to share. So a few weeks ago I gave myself a writing assignment like I use to get when I was in English class to write about something in my childhood that held great significance this was an actual assignment when I was in school so why not try it as an adult and here is the outcome:

The Block

 “The block”, the corner on a 151^st and Morris Avenue,  maybe it was the style of the building the uniqueness of having three buildings that had a courtyard in the middle, made us feel like nothing really matter outside that courtyard, this was our world. The courtyard was the epicenter for all things in my childhood. No matter how things were upstairs you could always run down and hang with your friends  on the benches and like all the building were connected, parents had no problem letting their kids go back and forth between houses, everyone knew everyone, everyone looked out for each other. The block was in its own little capsule, you repped your block, you stuck up for those who came from their and lived there. We all shared a common thread in our little existence, growing up in the South Bronx because we came from 151^st and Morris Ave. As you rang the bell or put your key in those first double doors, past the guard that swore he or she was a cop, past the group of ladies checking their mail at the mailboxes, past the next set of double doors was a world with in itself. The breeze that hit you as the door opened, the smell of fresh cut grass and car fumes from the parking lot. The mixture of voices and accents, the different types of music blaring from windows, mothers calling their kids up to eat, secret lovers making their way to the back staircases, it was and forever will be a time capsule for all childhood memories  . We did not become who we are for it not have been what we went through in the courtyard. Once you lived there, once you were part of its daily rituals you always would carry a part of it with you. Those that moved away still talk fondly about it and some who have moved still visit it. It’s not the same anymore; it doesn’t have its sense of community like it used to. This generation with all of its other distractions can’t appreciate what we had within the courtyard. The escape that it allowed to experience, the reason many of us could not wait until school let out, until it was warm enough to sit outside and the reason we hung out until the first frost scared us away! 151^st and Morris Avenue, to describe it, really doesn’t do it justice. To have grown up and witnessed all that it had to offer, from many celebrations of life, to death knocking at our doors we all understood this little piece of the earth that we called home. We all carry a piece of it with us and we all are different for having the keys to the courtyard.